I was describing to my therapist my crippling phobia of driving cars. It had reached a point where I was just one ZZ-top-beard short of being a full-blown hermit and growing less and less likely to leave the house if I had to drive anywhere. It had really become a problem for me, especially as the population of my home state of Utah grew like algal bloom and Lehi—once a sleepy little cow town—became SprawlyTrafficLand
“Is it a fear of accidents or death that causes it, do you think?” she asked.
“No, it’s like I’m trying to juggle so much sensory information coming into my brain all at once that I just get really overwhelmed.”
I saw recognition in her face. She asked me if I’d ever heard of the term: Highly Sensitive Person. This was April 2022.
I had heard the term but just in passing. And (maybe like you) when I heard it for the first time, I imagined a cowering little waif curled into fetal position, sobbing. She holds one trembling hand aloft to block the cruel taunts of the schoolyard bullies. She can’t cope cuz she’s… just soooooooo sensitive. Tiny violins play.
Turns out what it actually means is something much more grounded in the physical body, specifically the sensory organs and brain. According to Dr. Elaine Aron, a clinical research psychologist who pioneered the study of Highly Sensitive People (also called Sensory Processing Sensitivity), it’s an innate trait not a disorder and 20% of humans (and animals!) have it. It’s been around forever.
What is it?
If you have sensory processing sensitivity, studies have shown that your brain is processing more sensory information more deeply than 80% of the rest of your species—sight, hearing, taste, smell, and touch. A Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is an individual who “perceives and processes sensory information intensely, exhibits profound emotional responses, demonstrates heightened empathy, requires periods of seclusion for relief, and typically avoids distressing situations.”
The scientific studies of brain activity with this trait are really fascinating. The theory is that we evolved these traits to serve as the look-outs or scouts for the rest of the tribe to keep the group safe from danger. In the context of small hunter-gatherer groups and small communities, it’s a valuable trait to have around. In the context of our modern world with sensory information and chaos piped into our brains at all times, it’s really crippling and can create a type of person who struggles to cope.
People with sensory processing sensitivity tend to have a few common traits.
- Deeper cognitive processing and learning from information gained
- More attention to subtleties
- Greater emotional reactivity
- Greater awareness of environmental and social stimuli, including the moods and emotions of others
- Affected strongly by the environment
- High levels of self awareness, empathy, and self-other processing
- Pausing before acting in new situations
- More reactive to both positive and negative stimuli
You might not be surprised to learn that most HSPs are introverts. However, not all introverts are HSPs. HSPs tend to be deep thinkers with a lot of empathy. We’re good at solving problems and notice the details others miss. But we’re also terrible at taking negative feedback and often take criticism very personally. We tend to freeze under pressure and feel easily overwhelmed when we try to accomplish a lot of things within a short time frame.
A lot of HSP traits are frowned upon in western culture. It makes you seem weak, weird, and anti-social, a fussy person who just needs to get their shit together. And I get it. I loathe some of the traits too.
The Bad
I can’t handle large groups of people or loud concerts for very long without getting overwhelmed. But even small gatherings of strangers are hard. I might slip out the back without saying goodbye because my brain just suddenly needs to GTFO or risk overload.
I struggle to focus while being watched. I manage this in my life as a performing singer-songwriter (and lots of HSPs are performers and artists) by practicing, practicing, practicing, practicing until the act feels like muscle memory and my brain can use the processing power for focusing on other things. But ask me to do something on the spot with others watching, especially something vulnerable. Nope. Brain meltdown.
For example, a while ago The Lower Lights (a band I’m in) went into the studio to record some new songs at June Audio. While most folks were at lunch, myself and a few others stayed behind and started to put together a tune. The performance required some vulnerability from me as a singer. It was slowly taking shape but then everyone returned from lunch, not just the band but a few of the band’s family members as well (people I didn’t know) on a studio tour, all watching from the control room window. Game over. Song aborted. I couldn’t do it anymore. It had nothing to do with these lovely folks. From the outside perspective, it probably looked like I was either a shy li’l daisy or worse, a fussy diva. I worried at the time that the latter was the impression, but the truth is that my brain is unable to ignore all those extra signals it needs to process in order to focus on the performance. Brain overload. It’s annoying as hell.
A weird one, and a common HSP thing it turns out, is that I can feel a loose hair anywhere on my body. Sock. Shirt. Bra. Underwear. If it’s there, I feel it and it’s driving me nuts. I’ve wondered if this touch sensitivity has also informed my hesitancy with offering physical touch.
The Ugly
One thing I hate about it is that it causes me to be too absorbed in the inner workings of my own mind. Self-absorbed, one might say. I tend to observe more than participate as a coping mechanism.
All these traits can make me seem aloof and cold, maybe uncaring. I struggle to make friends (god, I struggle) and I’m highly dissatisfied with anything but deep friendships. I think all the feelings I feel all the time have caused me to put up a lot of emotional armor in order to protect myself. I hate that too. Lots of people do this, not just HSPs, but I sometimes feel like I’ve taken the armor to an extreme, like I’m constantly waddling around in emotional chainmail.
The Good
What I have to constantly—I mean CONSTANTLY—remind myself is that this trait is not all crippling. I’m not a broken person. It can be like a super power too on occasion. When I walk into a room full of people, the first thing I notice is the emotional weather. I’ve left parties without remembering one outfit or even one shirt color but I could have written you a detailed list of everyone’s emotional state.
I form deep attachments to other humans. Once I’ve accepted you into the inner circle of my heart (which is no small feat), I will love and care for you deeply as best I can. I’m very eager to learn everything about you, what makes you tick. I’ll pay attention to you and your life, notice even the small details of your likes and dislikes, behaviors, quirks. You might not know I’m doing this. Sometimes I try to hide it for fear of being seen as weird. Perhaps I shouldn’t hide it. I think careful attention makes people feel seen and we could all use a little more of that. I hope that’s what it feels like and not that Sting song. ♫Every breath you take..♫
I suspect I hear music in a way that might be more detailed than some. I don’t have perfect pitch or anything (obviously, if you’ve ever heard any of my vocal outtakes). HSP is more about the depth and quantity of information your brain is processing once the info enters via your various sensory organs and I think it helps me notice some details others might miss. If we went out to eat together, I could probably make you a list of all the songs that played in the background of the restaurant while we were talking. It might be related that I’ve always played music mostly by ear because it feels more intuitive. And though this has been a constant and deep source of insecurity for me around music-theory-fluent musicians, it has been a gift too.
I have a very acute sense of smell and taste. It made me a picky eater as a child who survived mostly on buttered toast. As an adult I’ve learned to embrace intensity of flavor and I eat adventurously. Being an HSP helps me enjoy the subtleties and complexities of food. It’s become one of my greatest joys.
My sense of smell just recently saved the lives of my little family. A few weekends ago, my husband Nick and I awoke past midnight after falling asleep downstairs on the couch watching a movie. Our kitty Jiminy was asleep on my lap. As we peeled ourselves off the couch and zombie-walked our way up the stairs, I noticed an odd smell. Nick couldn’t smell anything and went to bed. I was half-asleep and really just wanted to swan dive into the sheets but I couldn’t let it go. Maybe in the past I would have, but knowing what I know now about being an HSP, I no longer dismiss my senses. I tried to nestle and relax but just lay there on my back. Sniffing. What was that smell? It was sweet but a little off-putting, almost musty. Familiar. And then the little fact worm wriggled itself out of the depths of my groggy sense memory. Propane. (It’s a slightly more unfamiliar smell compared to the more familiar natural gas stove I grew up with.) The source? At some point in the evening, one of us had accidentally bumped a stove burner knob into the On position without igniting and propane gas was seeping in and had been for hours. We opened all the doors and windows and aired out the house that nearly became our coffin. So…superpower? Sometimes.
The Source
Since April 2022, I’ve been able to move my whole world just a little bit with a tiny shift in perspective. My driving phobia is getting better. It turns out that coddling the sensory sensitivity just makes it worse so I’m trying not to cocoon so much. It will take time and it will certainly take all the effort I have, but now I have some tools and I can feel the wind changing. If we’re friends, thanks for being patient with my weird quirks through the years.
On the few rare occasions when I’ve fully accepted who I am with all these quirks and I’ve chosen to love me anyway, there’s a real transformation. In those moments, I carry myself with a palpable magnetism and power that I’ve seen draw others to me. I feel valuable, intelligent, sexy, and purposeful. At those times, I’ve experienced what feels almost like an emotional fusion with the loved ones I’m with, like we’re the notes of a tight bluegrass harmony vibrating together. It’s exhilarating. It’s everything.
Why do we continue to limit ourselves with all our critical self-talk and negative thought patterns when the source of our real power is simply love? To love and accept yourself just as you are with all of your flaws and hangups, not despite them, not someday when you overcome them. Now. Right now. In this present moment as you read this. Love for the whole person as she is. Compassion for her mistakes. That’s the real superpower. Try it. That’s the life source.
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If any of these traits sound familiar and you wonder if you might be an HSP, you can take a test here and you definitely should read Dr. Aron’s book. It will probably feel like reading an owner’s manual for your brain for the first time.